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BIG HONKIN DISCLAIMER OF DOOM: The nice people at Scifi.Com posted Darien Fawkes' (The Invisible Man) narratives for seasons 1 and the beginning of two. For more Darien-esqueness, visit Scifi.com/invisibleman. It's cool. Anyway, being a big fan of the show, I'm posting Darien-ness. He doesn't belong to me. Damn. He's property of the people who created him, and the Sci Fi network. As much as I wish I had Darien Fawkes tied up in my closet to spout out random qwotes at me every morning, alas, I open the door only to clothing, and shoes, (And bodies... did I say that?)
Gee... why would Lee have bodies in her closet...? I wonder...
Bzok! SH!
And now, for your reading pleasure, the wonderful, the intelegent (S M R T), the fictional... Darien Fawkes!
Take it away, Furious D...
"A bad boy named Salman Rushdie once wrote that 'sometimes legends make reality, and become more useful than the facts."
"A legend named JFK once observed that 'the enemy of truth is not the deliberate lie, but the unrealistic myth.'"
"George Orwell said that 'myths which are believed in, tend to become true.' Now, I've never been big on belief, but I believe in something now. That a big chunk of myth is locked inside my head. I figure that makes me about two percent myth, myself. Two percent of everything people disregard, disbelieve and secretly hope is real."
"A babe named Princess Diana once said that if men had to have babies, they would only have one. Truer words were never spoken."
"When I was a kid my aunt sent me to summer camp. Camp Nimrod or something like that. Their motto was, 'There's nothing we can't do.' This place's motto looked more like 'Be all that you can be.'"
"Last time I got put away, they used DNA evidence against me. I cursed the day it was ever invented. Never thought I'd change my mind on that one... I just wish it were a little less disgusting to acquire."
"The poet Kahill Gibran once wrote, 'Your children are not your children. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, they do not belong to you.'"
"A downtown guy named Billy Joel once wrote: 'We all have a face we hide away forever, and we take it out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.' He called it 'The Stranger.' Which pretty much sums up the guy we're looking for."
"The Gilbert of Gilbert and Sullivan once wrote, 'Things are seldom what they seem: Skim milk masquerades as cream.' He was then promptly beaten up by every kid in the schoolyard. ... The point is — we probably learned more about Eberts when he was Arnaud, than we ever would from Eberts himself."
"A schmuck named Nietzsche once wrote: 'Anything that's done out of love is beyond good and evil.' Now, here's the thing: I love my job. So what does that make me? My feeling always was, good and evil could kiss my ass. But one night...well, they kinda got together and bit me on it."
"A cat named Kennedy once said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.' Those words have always had a profound effect on me... especially coming from a guy whose dad got rich off bootlegging."
"I was just asking for what every red-blooded American wants: White house. Picket fence. Freedom from a gland that turned me into a drooling psychopath every week. But I found out something important: When your country really wants you... it never asks."
"What's the best thing about government service? For me, it's the health plan."
"In his very first story, Sherlock Holmes met his match. Her name was Irene Adler, but as Dr. Watson points out, 'To Holmes, she was always The Woman.' The Woman who eluded him. The Woman who got away. For Sherlock, it was a mystery. For me... it was elementary."
"Being blackmailed by the government really gets a guy in touch with his emotions."
"To Darien Fawkes, Jessica Semplar would always be 'The Kid.' On the whole, it was nothing new. All the women in my life leave me. Difference is, to them I was a man... to her I was magic. How do you say good-bye to that?"
"The Scottish philosopher Balfour said that destiny is the scapegoat we make responsible for our crimes. He was probably right, too, but I bet he was real dull at parties. I mean, who couldn't love the idea that everything we do is planned out in some great cosmic playbook? 'Cause if you're just a puppet in someone else's show, nothing's your fault, right? So why not smoke cigarettes, live on cheeseburgers, and sleep with your best friend's girl? When your number's up, it's up, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. This philosophy, known as determinism, was best summed up by Doris Day with the words 'que sera sera.' Now, I'm not sayin' she was right. And it's not like I'm a fan or anything. But if it was between Doris and that Scottish dude, I'd party with her any day."
"A Nobel prize-winning smart-ass named George Bernard Shaw once said, 'Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.' ... Try telling that to someone who's been implanted with an artificial gland and subsequently enslaved by a government agency. If liberty means freedom, you can give me all the dread in the world."
"Liz's motto for good-bye was always, 'Faster's better.' Like tearing off a Band-Aid. Of course, if the wound beneath isn't healed yet, nothing helps. Except time. And time leaves a big, nasty scar we call the past. It's the hardest prison to break free from, 'cause for most of your life you can't even see the walls."
"We've all heard the maxim, 'Don't judge a book by its cover.' And I guess it's a valid nugget, but I prefer what another jailbird, Oscar Wilde, said on the subject. I don't remember the quote exactly, but it's basically that only morons don't judge by appearances, 'cause the real mystery in the world is in what's visible, not what's invisible."
"I think it was a Brit named Sir Robert Walpole who coined the phrase, 'All men have their price.' I happen to agree. Although my point of view on the matter has changed... I used to think my price would always be money... or diamonds... or gold. Imagine my surprise when I realized that my price has become a needle in the arm. Don't get me wrong — I still have expensive taste: Your tax dollars paid millions for me to get that needle."
"You know in cartoons when they have the little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other, telling the guy what to do? These days I try, I really try, to listen to the angel. But with me, somehow the devil always wins anyway."
"Just when you think you know all the payoffs that exist — money, gold, jewels and a needle in the arm — another one sneaks up and surprises you... just like people often do."
"A nineteenth-century scientist, Thomas Huxley, once asked, 'If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, then how much knowledge does a person need before they're safe?' ... The answer is, they'll never be safe again."
"My mother, who never had much luck in the love department, used to justify her short marriage to my father by saying that if you can't love wisely, love foolishly. Because even dumb love is better than no love at all. That may be true on Saturday afternoon, but at two a.m. on a Monday, I'm inclined to disagree."
"When you spend a time around a guy who keeps yelling the sky is falling, it's a real shocker when a piece of it hits you on the head."
"George Bernard Shaw observed that when your heart is broken, your boats are burned. Nothing matters any more. It's the end of happiness — and the beginning of peace."
"An English diplomat once said that 'The ends must justify the means.' These guys smuggle monkeys illegally so medical researchers can experiment on them legally. Whether those ends justify those means I'll leave to the activists... but let's just say keeping that chimp from being experimented on justifies the means... for me."
"Shakespeare once wrote, 'The evil that men do lives after them.' That's never been more true than with Carver. But maybe the next line of Shakespeare's won't come true in this case — the part about 'The good is oft interred with the bones.' Maybe Carver's good is now in Sarah's head. And maybe she can help see to it that his old research does some good."
"A patriot poet, Walt Whitman, once sang, 'Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.' This from a guy who was in love with his own smell. He contained multitudes of stank. Walt was your classic loner, like J.D. Salinger, Spawn or me. Being the only Invisible Man will do it to you."
"Since most of my life is spent in a storm, I've grown to appreciate the calm that comes before."
"I know poetry doesn't suffer logic, but I think Walt Whitman was wrong when he said we 'contain multitudes.' 'Cause after what I've been thorugh, I think our multitudes contain us."
"They say necessity is the mother of invention. And when the necessity is survival, she can be one mean mother. Of course, it's her child, invention, who's the real dangerous one."
"A great 20th-century philosopher named Charles Schulz once had Linus observe that 'big sisters are the crabgrass on the lawn of life.' I guess the same could be said of big brothers."
"A journalist named P.J. O'Rourke said that as we get older, the things which really matter are the dreadful things our parents said really mattered: Family and work and duty. Crap like that. ... I'm finding out he was right."
"A 20th century photographer named Man Ray said that 'an original is a creation motivated by desire. Any reproduction is motivated by necessity.' ... My quicksilver gland was created by my country's desire to have an almost unstoppable secret weapon. Another country's attempt to reproduce it was necessitated by the fact that we had it. And they didn't. Kind of a Quicksilver gap, if you will."
"'One nation under God...invisible.' That's how I learned the Pledge as a kid. Now that I'm grown up and work for Uncle Sam, there's another saying that makes more sense. It's from the Bible, something about 'the blind leading the blind...'"
"An old Chinese proverb says, 'Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.' In other words, deal with your situation, your troubles, your gland in the brain. It's good advice, but after meeting Leila, I keep wondering... what's wrong with the darkness?"
"George Bernard Shaw said, 'My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.'"
"Oscar Wilde once said that sometimes it takes courage to give in to temptation. ... I think I'm gonna work on getting my courage up."
"A lady once asked famous painter and momma's boy James Whistler if he thought genius was hereditary. His answer was basically, 'I don't know. Never had any kids.'"
"There's an old saying: 'Every man is a genius until he opens his mouth.' I decided to save Hobbes the trouble."
"The author of The Iliad — a guy named Homer — said that sleep is the twin of death."
"Like the Beatles said — we get by with a little help from our friends."
"One of the downsides of hanging with Bobby Hobbes is you sort of develop a sense of paranoia. ... On the other hand, like Henry Kissinger said, 'Even paranoid people have enemies.'"
"A rebel with a cause named Susan Sontag said that 'Society needs to have one illness which becomes identified with evil.' Our society has more than one. To that end, I quote Sly Stallone from his seminal film, Cobra: 'Crime is a disease. I'm the cure.'"
"Sometimes to get a cure, you need a little of what makes you sick in the first place."
"Three wisemen known as The Beastie Boys once shouted, 'It's time to get ill.' ... Screw them."
"A dead guy named Samuel Johnson said that 'disease begins that equality which death completes.' I was about to become my brother's equal... but it seems disease had other plans for me."
"A little old lady named Mother Theresa said, 'The biggest disease today isn't leprosy or tuberculosis, but the feeling of being unwanted.' I don't have that condition. Everybody wants a piece of me for something."
"They say, 'He who sups with the Devil needs a long spoon.' I was making dinner reservations for two..."
"Francis Bacon, a guy who heard voices, said 'There is nothing that makes a man suspect more than to know little.' Right now I suspected everything."
"Thoreau said that we are paid for our suspicions by finding what we suspected. That's why paranoia can't protect you. 'Cause no matter how much you think they're out to get you... you have no idea."
"Greek mythology says that whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. I'd never been sure whether 'mad' meant crazy or angry. Either way, the gods were working on me pretty good right now."
"I've learned a lotta things since I started working with Bobby Hobbes. The names of all the most popular anti-depressants for starters. On the other hand, I've learned some useful things, too. Like never underestimate the enemy. But as Joseph Heller once wrote, 'The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed. No matter which side he's on.'"
